Life is a Blessing, but sometimes things just SUCK

As a cancer patient, we have to make plenty of adjustments to our schedule, our family, our bodies, and our feelings. Doctors tell us what to expect during treatment, surgery, and what to look for in case cancer comes back, but they never prepare us for what happens post-cancer. They don’t prepare you for the paranoia of getting sick again, the post-cancer visits, the anxiety, the family paranoia, the depression, and the lack of support that happens post-treatment.

I had to learn after 3 years that the concentration of chemotherapy has caused quite a bit of chaos in my body.  I also learned that I should lower the expectations of my healing process and understand that pain and slow pace is my new normal. If I was a slow pace kind of a person I would probably be okay. I got used to the bald head, the scars, my dent and flab, and not being able to fill out v cut dresses, but not living my life on my terms suck.

This slow pace has its benefits; it allows me to smell the flowers, enjoy the scenery, and count my many blessings. I believe I have been slowed down to pay attention to the details.

I am also limited to any activity. How angry am I to not keep up the pace? How angry am I to have to not be able to enjoy my past hobbies? How angry am I when I see other survivors hiking, working out, and seeming fine? I know that we should not be envious of others. I am just like gimme a break… I want to ride my bike with my children without feeling like I am dying.

I am eating right. I am taking vitamins. I am keeping my appointments and following the Doctors’ orders. Yet, if I move too much I will be in pain for days and laid up.  I am upset about not being in control of my life. How do you take control of something you can not control? You own your body and have no control over how it feels nor works. I have to allow my body to do what it is doing and be thankful because others did not survive as I did. Do not get me wrong I survived but I want to live… Live at the pace I wish or want. I want to be in control of my body. I want to plan a vacation and not worry if the sun will be too bright or hot that my skin itches. I wish that heat sensitivity did not exist. I wish cancer did not exist. I wish I could control how my body feels, acts, and recovers.
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Life is a blessing and we should be grateful for it all, but truthfully some things just SUCK.

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2 Comments

  1. Sarah Bush

    Right. Some things just suck. But in his timing, God is bigger than anything that sucks. Get ready to find your new normal.

    • True. God is bigger than any problem or situation. He has gotten me this far and I know he will be with me in this new normal. It is okay though to say things can suck because we have to go through somethings to get to some places.

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