Metamorphosis

So, I have been hibernating. Things are happening in my life that made me say “Time Out”. I have been in a whirlwind of situations for the past 5 years that my brain finally took the time to try and comprehend it all. I needed a moment… I needed to disappear and could not because of my responsibilities as a mother, wife, and homemaker. So, I just limited some of my responsibilities. I did not crowd my day with ideas and creating; even though my head was swimming with them and all my situations.

We have to know when to cut loose the baggage to stay afloat. Floating on water requires no work. You just let your body go and let the water do all the work.

I really needed a break so I could come to terms with all that has to happen and happening. I went from being a rock to a puddle. Feeling like I could not hold myself together.

I have to try to make sense of everything. My mom, her sickness, my sickness, my life, my children… Yes, sickness has its own category, I find that is not apart of us. I find that sickness has its own agenda and its own purpose which is separated from our lives  Our lives are independent, not entangled with disability and pain. Yet, sickness is an independent agent who finds its way into our lives and MORPHS everything. Our attitude, body, family, feelings, mindset, hopes, and dreams.

My “Time Out” is about my METAMORPHOSIS. Have I changed?  Yes, in many ways. Coping with all these changes is not easy. These changes in my life were and are all major. I have never had to handle anything minor or major ever without my mommy.  All decisions were ran by her. All aspects of my life were shared with her. Then she was gone, and I was left with cancer and graves disease. My family had to deal with her sickness and death; I am supposed to hold them together and get them through it. But Cancer invades my body and graves disease has already taken away my muscle mass. who is holding me together? Cancer then takes away my hair, my breasts, and my arms are no longer muscle cut and sexy. My arms are now filled with non-circulating lymphatic fluid that makes them feel like heavy logs. I am left trying to recoup from all kinds of bottled up feelings about all that has happened and is happening to me mentally and physically.
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When this METAMORPHOSIS is over, I do not know what I will be, but I do know that I should be able to handle anything that comes my way. I just know that I need to be low-key for now; working on me as much as I can without neglecting my responsibilities.

My METAMORPHOSIS has left me physically and mentally exhausted…I can’t help anyone if I am broken; so excuse me while I float a little while longer.

Live Life in Color

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